For Darrell Porter

portersutter

Looking back,
When you bounded into Sutter’s arms
It seems too obvious an ascension
Of a man who brushed his burst fingers against the endurable
Only when he was ashamed.

In the beery afterglow,
Your words as simple as you longed to be,
Your words, like your swing — that motel Gideon’s Bible of a swing —
Lunging, halting,
Then hoping.

You can do this, we know, this hitting, catching, running.
But it’s the after — the plenteous and undetailed after,
The quiet after —
To which you’ll always belong.

***

You marooned your truck on a roadside tree stump in Sugar Creek
And wandered down to the Missouri River,
Not long after feeling the peppery gust of cocaine
Spraying your sinuses, the back of your throat
For the first time in 22 years.

They found you with your shirt around your neck.
Maybe you were trying to hang yourself.
More likely, you wanted to slough off what you could
When you found that the trail you’d cut
Between what you were and what you are
Had doubled back on you.

They never said whether you were found face up or face down.
We don’t know whether you saw the shadowed switchgrass,
As your heart fluttered beyond anyone’s grasp,
Or the skies that we mistake for heaven.
Whatever you saw, you didn’t see it well,
With those eyeglasses as thick as wagon wheels.

Each lens was less a lens
Than a deepwater amphitheater
That harbored a sunken eye,
That conspired to let no one quite know

What it all looked like to Darrell Ray.


(This piece originally appeared at FanGraphs. It has since been revised and made even worse, probably.)

One thought on “For Darrell Porter

  1. Damn. Tough to read, but glad I did. Still remember his confused head spinning back in forth after “we” lost Game 6. A 5 year old me cried and looked to my dad for an explanation what the heck just happened in those 10 minutes in B9 on 10-26-85. I think Darrell was more confused than the kindergarten me. Thanks

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s