Sparky Anderson was born this way

At birth, Sparky Anderson was 5-foot-9, 170 pounds. Those dimensions would not change. The delivery was almost too much even for his prairie-stock mother, who frowned while sleeping. “I counted the seconds,” she told him years later. “Thought about each number going by, and that each second brought me closer to the end of this pain.” He was also born with a full shock of hair, as white as fresh baseballs. His face was already engraved with furrows. Years later, his wife would recognize the pattern they made as the byways and rural routes of McCook County, South Dakota. His … Continue reading Sparky Anderson was born this way

Banknotes Harper Versus Colonel Sanders for Good and All

Author’s note: If you haven’t already, you are invited to partake of the Banknotes Harper origin story. “Then I guess,” concluded Banknotes Harper from across the conference table shaped like bad-ass tits, “we can’t agree to a sale price.” “I suppose not,” drawled Col. Harland Sanders. “The Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise will remain mine, as it should be.” “So it would seem,” said Banknotes Harper. “Perhaps I’ll console myself by instead purchasing …” Banknotes Harper stood, and his erection flipped the table. Colonel Sanders stood, too, flaccid as silly, floppy pancakes. “You wouldn’t dare,” Colonel Sanders trailed off. “By purchasing, … Continue reading Banknotes Harper Versus Colonel Sanders for Good and All

Minimalist short fiction starring Adrian Beltre, II

  Adrian Beltre crested the hill in front of Rucker. He scanned the tree-line for the white throat of the buck. That, or the eyes, was what you usually saw first. Nothing moved except the leaves, which seemed to rustle themselves. There was no wind. His next step was on a mossy stone which slid underfoot. He fell on his hip. He dropped his rifle and rolled on his back. “Goddammit,” he muttered. “You OK, old man?” grinned Rucker as he clasped his forearm to pull him up. “Better let me blaze the trail.” After Adrian Beltre got on his … Continue reading Minimalist short fiction starring Adrian Beltre, II

Banknotes Harper just fired the crap out of Cal Ripken Jr.

Author’s note: If you haven’t already, you are invited to partake of the Banknotes Harper origin story. “Hello?” “What’s up, dumb-ass? I’m about to fire the crap out of you because you suck at improving my margins. My margins are already the greatest in business history, but that’s not the point, ball-lips. You see, fuck-o, I hired you to drive me around in my Bible-black Duesenberg, which is made of steel and cocks, to business meetings while I sit in the after-market machine-gun turret and fire rubber bullets at the working poor. I told you to drive me to the … Continue reading Banknotes Harper just fired the crap out of Cal Ripken Jr.

It’s been a good day for Banknotes Harper

Author’s note: If you haven’t already, you are invited to partake of the Banknotes Harper origin story. It’s been a good day at the High-Rise Business Building of Banknotes Harper … At first, it appeared as though the leveraged buyout of the pharmaceutical concern he’d been eyeballing would fall through, but then, as negotiations frayed, Banknotes Harper locked eyes with Larry Ellison, his minority partner, and thundered, “Get your purse.” Sensing the seriousness of the moment and suspecting no contrivance, the Business Victims and toothless regulators across the conference table — splintered from an unappeasable pounding — promptly surrendered. Seized … Continue reading It’s been a good day for Banknotes Harper

Some Thoughts on the Current Standings

Friends: Courtesy of the morning paper, the current standings … I think it’s obvious at this point that it’s going to come down to Junior A.C. and Davis Shell and the private-school kids with their high-end bikes who populate those two teams. Were this a cinematic flight, then the relentlessly middle-class kids from, say, Naas Candy, would rise up and bring low their economic betters. But this isn’t a movie, so Junior A.C. and Davis Shell, what with their superior breeding, boutique equipment, and precocious and unreachable girlfriends will surely hold sway. Just as sure is that this will mark … Continue reading Some Thoughts on the Current Standings