Sorry, Bobo Polaroids or whatever the fuck your name is, but Brian Harper is going to have to take this call.

It might be regarding the waterfront development project, or it might be regarding one of the countless opportunities for high-level arbitrage of which Banknotes Harper chronically avails himself. Just know that Banknotes Harper needs to talk business right the crap now. You can snap your little Donruss picture or whatever the hell this is all about later, but right now Banknotes Harper is seeing to the business of taking a business telephone call regarding the dollars.

“What do you think I should do?” Banknotes Harper is asking of his broker or minority partners. It’s a rhetorical query, of course. For Banknotes Harper knows exactly what the shit he’s going to do, and that’s because when the subject is U.S. American business, Banknotes Harper is the final word on the last word. “That’s what you think I should do?” says Banknotes. “Fuck you. Do the opposite.”

Banknotes Harper knows his way around a racket much like he knows his way around the sex closet at the American Airlines Admirals Club at … well, pick your hub airport of choice and Banknotes Harper knows his way around the sex closet at the American Airlines Admirals Club at that particular hub airport.

Baseball, you see, is but a revenue stream for Banknotes Harper. Buck Banknotes takes the money he makes from baseball and plows the shit right back into kick-ass interest-bearing vehicles that nobody even knows about yet. Maybe this call is about that. “Pay down the principal?” Banknotes Harper Buck Banknotes is wont to say. “I’m the principal, and I’m calling you to my office so as to beat your cheeks with a wooden paddle. Dollars.”

When not parking his Duesenberg in his heated garage, Lord God Cabbage Banknotes Harper is parking ducats in interest-bearing offshore accounts that no one even knows about yet — this is ground-level shit — and realizing boundless capital gains before the next call comes in. And the calls are always coming in. “Margin call?” Coin Skins Mazumah Banknotes Harper often says. “Call me back on my cutting-edge portable horn when your margins are sufficient to waste my time trying to talk treasure to the hairy treasure chest.”

Banknotes Harper would tell you that it’s just going to be a moment, but it’s not going to be a moment. “Time is money?” Bread Property Doubloons Banknotes Harper says to you, even though you didn’t say “time is money” to him.

Then he says something else about a pending stop-limit order, at which point you decide to go take Tim Laudner’s picture instead.

(This piece originally appeared at FanGraphs. It has since been revised and made even worse, probably.)