Matt Kemp is business handsome

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Matt Kemp — Chevalier Matt Kemp — wears what appears to be a double-windsor knot. He does this because he is a gentleman. He is festooned with a pocket square. On occasion, he uses it to wash his hands of the entire affair. He is not a frequenter of brothels, storefront or high-rise. This is because he need not pay for the hubba-hubba.

Chevalier Matt Kemp is paid millions for being good at baseball. But even if he were not good at baseball, he would make the same amount of lucre from various wealthy patrons of the gorgeous and measured.

In the Admiral’s Clubs of America’s hub airports those who travel for the love of the transaction are seeing Chevalier Matt Kemp on the cover of this, the magazine of choice for the toads of American balance sheets and the pallid, doughy bodies in which they are encased.

Chevalier Matt Kemp is not of them, and Chevalier Matt Kemp is not among them. His member sways to and fro above their beggared habits.

Chevalier Matt Kemp is Business Handsome.


(This piece originally appeared at FanGraphs. It has since been revised and made even worse, probably.)

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